I can say I still love my past lovers each in a different way, I can't say I am still in love with them because each was blessed enough to love a different version of me. As I look back at the men I've given my heart they each had something that made me feel safe. I guess that’s what I look for in a man, if i were to sum it up. Some woman want a man with looks, or money, but me I need to feel like they can protect my heart.
I have my reasons for needing a man like that, one day I might be able to confess them to you. When i look at my father though well he's set the bar so high for the man whose soul is supposed to be mine. My father has cared for me, sheltered me and has made it so I never wanted. Not only has he been a great provider, a great protector but he's been a great listener. I could list a million ways my dad has spoiled me, I don't mean with gifts but with love.
Maybe it’s unrealistic to say I want a man to stand in his footsteps but at the end of the day he's always kept me safe. I've come to my father in tears & with things I thought he would never forgive. Time and time again he proves I can do nothing that would push him away.
If I look at my latest love Mr. Knight, he was the first man I thought could fill my father’s shoes. He was a man who fought for this country for heaven’s sake, how could he not protect my heart? What I failed to realize is that he might not measure up to my dad. A fathers love unbreakable, but is true love built be the same?
Twice in my life I thought I had pushed the limits on my father’s love once when I was younger & a few months ago when I told him I had tried to kill myself. I thought what I had done was unforgivable but again I have no real understanding of a fathers love.
Clearly this is where I went wrong in love, or was it? Is it crazy to assume that Mr. Knight would be able to love me in a similar manner? That true everlasting love would be would be bale withstand the tests of time, change and all else that is thrown at it. I have to take the time to think two things was my expectations too high or maybe he wasn't the one.
Maybe my love for each one of these men was nothing more but a session for my heart to prepare me for the man who deserves me in all my forms. Maybe the man who gets my heart will be the man that gets to see the version of me each one of my past loves saw & fell in love with. Maybe my changes good or bad were meant to happen so he could love each scar & every tear. Maybe I'm a 26 year old woman with a dream.
Confession #3 - I'm not sure I ever truly learned how to accept and love myself. That doesn't mean I can't love someone else, my love for them always out shines the things I don't like about myself.