Childish I know but I always believed that I would meet a man who would make it all better. I wanted a hero, maybe I even felt like I needed a hero. Most woman do, we would never admit to it but its true. I always figured I would meet my knight in shinning armor & he would make it all go away.
He'd slay my dragons, kick open the doors that hold my darkest secrets and one day the things that keep me trapped in my own head wouldn't be there anymore. I thought I met my hero, we'll call him Mr. Knight.
When I met Mr. Knight he was like no man I had ever met funny, smart, giving and quite the charmer. HE was the kind of guy that calls you beautiful with no makeup on, holds the door open for you and not just to look at your ass.
I hate saying it but I fell in love with him on our first date. I had never connected with someone in that way, the hours we spent together that night felt like minutes.
Compared to every other man I had known at the time he had his life together. I mean he was living on his own, had a career, money saved and no real issues I could see. It was the way he called me beautiful or maybe the way he looked at me like I was the only woman in the room, with him I felt special, safe.
I don't like to talk about the past, much less stuff that I feel I buried so deep the memories are lost to me, but when you meet a man like Mr. Knight you dig up them graves. He was everything I imagined my soulmate to be like. For him I was willing to dig up those memories. I'm getting ahead of myself though, we will come back to that.
Meeting Mr. Knight was like a whirl wind, I met him not to long after the biggest breakup of my life. Before my Mr. Knight there was K, who we will talk about in a later entry of course. Mr. Knight & K are like night and day in every way you could think of. I still wonder how I loved them both, yet each one makes sense for the times I did.
Back to the whirl wind romance, Mr. Knight & I met the day before Thanksgiving & were saying I love you by Valentine's day. It was the kind of honeymoon stage where you stayed up until 4 A.M. on the phone even if you had to be up at 6 just to hear his voice. It was the little things he did that made him seem so amazing to me like bring me flowers on our first date, he even remembered purple was my favorite color.
Looking back at it maybe I should have known sooner that in real life, fairytales rarely exist, maybe I should have listened to my friends & my heart sooner... maybe that way it wouldn't have gotten broken. I guess some lessons you need to learn first hand especially the ones in love.
Now that I am slightly older, slightly over the crushing blow that is Mr. Knight I realized I don't need a hero. My demons aren't for someone else to slay but my my own.
Confession #1: It scares the hell out of me being alone. I'm not really sure how to be, when I am alone... I can see all the secrets I've kept hidden for years.
Until next time...